I have a lot of inconsistency in my videos and my posts. Sticking to a schedule is one of the most difficult things for me. When I was younger I had adhered to a very strict schedule, and it helped a lot. As I’ve gotten older my ability to adhere to my self-imposed schedules has become increasingly difficult. There are a lot of reasons for this, but there is one in particular that I find myself struggling to work with/around, and it is ADHD.
What is ADHD?
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), also known as Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) is a disorder that comes in three forms. Each form presents slightly different, but can greatly impact the ability for one to live their day-to-day lives.
The three forms are:
Inattentive – (This is pulled directly from Psychiaty.org)
Hyperactive/Impulsive
And the third type is Combined. Which simply means you hit the marker threshold for both types.
Which Type am I?
I am definitely Combined. I spent an hour in a consult appointment with a Psychiatrist. I was speaking with her because I needed the appointment to reevaluate my VA benefits, and she was a third party doctor that was impartial. Within 30 minutes of our conversation she told me that I had ADHD, and that I needed to probably get it diagnosed properly so that I could get treatment. She figured it out just through conversational cues and speaking with me about my PTSD and Combat Related Anxiety problems.
If you know me, and you’re reading this, then you know that I:
- Have problems staying focused on tasks and activities for any real length of time
- Struggle to complete projects without constant reminders
- Have problems organizing, and am cluttered
- Avoid repetitive tasks, especially menial ones
- Forget daily tasks that most people can do automatically
- Lose things frequently
- Am easily distracted
These are the inattentive markers, and I’m sure I present others, but these are the ones I’m aware of. The hyperactive markers I present are:
- Fidget, tap, constantly moving
- Hard time staying seated (think about how I play 40k, I spend 12 hours on my feet bouncing around, even at tournaments)
- I don’t have quiet/still leisure activities
- Talks too much. I’ve learned to show restraint here as I’ve gotten older, but I know that I talk a lot, and am loud.
- Difficulty waiting. Lines are some of the most anxiety inducing things I have ever seen and experienced. My time in the military has helped me learn how to navigate this, but I still avoid lines and waiting if I can.
- Interrupts and intrudes on conversations. Again, I’ve tempered this as I’ve gotten older.
That’s Interesting, but Why Does it Matter?
It may not matter at all. At least, not to you. But it has helped me understand a lot about myself. I understand why I struggle to hold normal jobs for prolonged periods of time. Seriously. My resume is the epitome of “Jack of all trades, master of none”. Only when I started working for myself did I find I could actually stick to the same things daily. And really it was because I was in control. When my brain burns out, I can just quit for a week and come back. and it helps.
The Journey
Since learning this, I’ve been working with the VA to get a diagnosis. In addition I’ve started doing my own research. I’ve learned so much about ADHD and how it has impacted my life. I’ve also learned how not knowing about it meant that it controlled me, rather than me working through it and around it. In an effort to keep this article at a reasonable length, I’m going to lightly touch on the things I’ve learned.
The Upper/Downer cycle
According to the National Institute of Health, ADHD inhibits your bodies ability to respond to dopamine, which is that feel good chemical that tells you when you’ve done something good. Finish a project? Dopamine hit. Exercise hard? Dopamine Hit. You get it. ADHD brains don’t process this chemical correctly and it causes a shortage (effectively). And when we don’t know why we aren’t getting those hits, we tend to self-medicate. WebMD states that due to impulse control we are more likely to abuse substances, but there is so much more to it than that.
First of all. Caffeine doesn’t make me hyper, active, or speed me up the way it does everyone else. I’ve not studied why yet. Just know that it doesn’t. Stimulants tend to give my brain a bit more focus, able to narrow my brain power to doing one or two things. Plus it gives me that sweet dopamine fix. Makes it really easy to get hooked on it. It helps me work better, channels my sporadic brain, and gives me that spike of feel-good I crave. But it does wear off.
Enter: Our buddy alcohol. It brings me down, numbs the hyper-active portion of the disorder, and counters the caffeine. Oh… Guess what else it does? Gives me that sweet dopamine fix also. And now we have created a really dangerous loop that is extremely hard to break.
Its not ADHD’s fault that I like the sauce, but it does make me like it more. Its my fault for not learning/limiting and controlling intake. Which is why, since learning, I’ve started the incredibly difficult journey to limit/eliminate alcohol consumption. I don’t know that I can completely cut it out until the VA and I get everything on the same page. But god-Damn it I’m trying.
I could arguably write a whole novel about what I’ve learned regarding ADHD, and I will more than likely continue to drop articles regarding my experiences, however I think this is an excellent place to cut it short. I have spoken on it on my YouTube channel that I share with my son, Elijah, though we have yet to do any joint projects. I think we will start crushing that soon. Thank you for reading. I’ll never use my ADHD as an excuse for anything, but I hope it helps you understand why I am the way that I am.
Chris